Doing this thing of running myself into the ground

- making myself exhausted - then comfort eating. I'm not drinking, so not really socialising and I'm eating to enjoy myself. I'm putting off sex and feeling wretched. Not sure what's going on.

Work is pretty fulfilling. And the money seems ok. But I'm not nurturing myself and paying for it with the weight gain as well and tetchiness.

I stopped eating when Husband came home.
Before that I was a bit out of control.

It is frustrating. My recovery. I don't see much progress. Seeds of suspicion? I trust Therapist. I just want to get better.

The impact of having put some weight back on

From what I lost last year really gets me. It knocks my confidence. Makes me feel unsexy. (Seem to have lost my sex drive). Makes me imagine people will be critical of me - e.g. Mother In Law. All of which makes me feel out of control. Which makes me want to eat more. Fucking cycle. The other impact is that I almost want to hide away. I feel down and not on top of things. Feel like I need Therapist's advice with this. But she's away next week. Maybe I'll email her.

By acknowledging the weight I feel like I'm atleast partially back in my energy. I feel like a lot is still going on inside me and that I'm struggling, but I feel less attached to it. I realise that I've been contorting myself into something I'm not.

Control

Tried to self harm.
Alarm!
No pain could gain.
No guts to cut.

Tried to drop out of school.
Too cool.
You fool!
No luck. Got stuck.

Tried to disorder my eating.
That took a beating.
Bulimia was fleating.
Anorexia couldn't stop cheating!

Smack and crack.
Too whack!
Speed was fun.
For a short run.

Tried to drown in drink.
But couldn't sink.
Met bad men to undress me.
But none could suppress me.

Thank-you to my inner protector.
My substance rejector.
My inner jerk.
Too hard you worked!

Could have blissed out in oblivion.
But you helped me live again.


xxx